For gay fathers, love, loss and the hope of being seen

When Tony Lipscomb moved to Palm Springs with his partner a year ago, it had already been five years since his daughter had stopped communicating with him.

Though he knew he was gay from a young age, Lipscomb grew up in a religious family where coming out never felt like an option.

“When I did get married, for me it was more of a societal type of thing that I needed to do, because that’s what men did. They got married and had kids, and that’s all there was to it,” Lipscomb said.

But after 22 years of marriage, the weight of keeping his feelings buried became too much to bear.

“I will say that at times I felt like I wanted to commit suicide,” Lipscomb said. “I felt that would be a very easy way to get out. I wouldn’t have to explain to anybody what was going on.”

Lipscomb and his wife had two children — a son who died at a young age and a daughter who was 12 at the time. He couldn’t imagine leaving his daughter without a father, so he made the difficult decision to come out.

Initially, his wife was supportive. But after discussing the situation with their church, she presented him with a video about reparative therapy, often referred to as “pray the gay away” programs. He was told that if he did not undergo the therapy, he would have to leave the house. When he refused, he was told he could no longer see their daughter.

After a difficult divorce process, Lipscomb eventually secured shared custody every other weekend. But years later, after becoming involved with a religious organization while in college, his daughter cut off contact with him.

He has tried to reach out, but it has now been more than six years since he last heard from her. Father’s Day is especially difficult because every year, he holds out hope that this will be the year the phone rings.

“I will have the greatest of hope that she will call me up till 11 o’clock at night, and then realize I’ve gone another year without a Father’s Day call, or a Father’s Day card,” he said.

This past Father’s Day weekend, Lipscomb attended a Zoom discussion called Father’s Day and Family Ties: Navigating Distance, Hope, and Healing, hosted by Gay Fathers of Palm Springs, a local group where he has found support and camaraderie.

The event was one example of how the group supports members through challenges that can make holidays like Father’s Day especially painful for fathers like Lipscomb.

Robert Figucia, founder of Gay Fathers of Palm Springs and Gay Fathers of Los Angeles, told the Palm Springs Post that Lipscomb’s story inspired him to create the event. He also opened the discussion to Gay Fathers Worldwide so fathers facing similar situations could support one another across the globe.

“It means the world to me. It really does,” said Lipscomb, who shared with the Post that gay fathers from four countries were on the call, including men as far away as Australia, where one participant woke up at 3:30 a.m. to attend.

“It really helps for me to express my story, but also, I think, what really was important to know was that it doesn’t matter where you are in the world, that men go through this type of situation all over the world,” Lipscomb said. “And the situations may be a little bit different, but we’re all here to support each other because we made the decision to be our authentic selves and come out during this time.”

Gay Fathers of Palm Springs/Coachella Valley is a nonjudgmental fraternal group Figucia formed a year ago to provide emotional and social support for gay and bisexual fathers as they navigate their unique journeys toward self-acceptance and joy.

The group hosts a variety of events. Monthly-ish lunches offer low-key restaurant meetups where small groups gather to talk, making them an easy entry point for new or nervous members. Larger social events, such as potlucks and pool parties, give fathers opportunities to mingle and build friendships. This year included a Father’s Day pool party and potluck the weekend before Father’s Day. The organization also hosts discussion and support groups focused on issues that uniquely affect gay fathers.

Figucia came out to his wife in December 2018 and found the experience extremely difficult. During that time, he discovered Gay Fathers of Greater Boston, a group that provided support when he needed it most.

“I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was all alone in this,” Figucia told the Post. “They were really kind of a saving grace. A lot of the guys there were in similar situations. They had been married to women, had children, and come out later in life. Immediately, I realized I wasn’t the only one, and they had a lot of experience that was helpful as I tried to navigate a very difficult time with a lot of changes.”

So what do gay fathers talk about at restaurant meetups and pool parties?

According to Figucia, many members are baby boomers who followed the expected path of marrying women and having children because being openly gay was not accepted in their workplaces, churches, or communities.

“It really helps for me to express my story, but also, I think, what really was important to know was that it doesn’t matter where you are in the world, that men go through this type of situation all over the world. And the situations may be a little bit different, but we’re all here to support each other because we made the decision to be our authentic selves and come out during this time.”

Tony Lipscomb

While some have maintained close relationships with their former spouses and children, coming out later in life often means navigating an ex-spouse’s shock, anger, or sense of betrayal. Many also struggle with guilt, shame, and self-image issues resulting from that fallout. Those challenges can be especially difficult for fathers who are estranged from their children or have strained relationships with them.

“The distance with your kids, it doesn’t erase your commitment to fatherhood,” Figucia said. “And for those who are dealing with estrangement, it’s painful, but it’s not permanent. Men who raise children still deserve to celebrate and be recognized for their commitment to fatherhood.”

Figucia said many of these men have also endured complicated divorces and significant financial strain. They are learning how to show up at weddings, graduations, and other milestones as openly gay fathers alongside ex-wives who may still be hurting.

Some, like Lipscomb, also face religious or cultural beliefs that frame their sexuality as sinful, damaging relationships with children and extended family members.

According to David Cotton, a life coach who primarily works with men who come out later in life and hosts the podcast Out Late with David, these fathers are also learning how to embrace life as openly gay men while navigating dating and relationships.

“They’ve been through a tough road and the anguish of accepting themselves and becoming open, vulnerable, and transparent with others — talking to their family, friends, and dealing with all that,” Cotton said. “When they get to that stage, it’s often, ‘Now that I’m out, now what? I’ve accepted who I am and my sexuality, and now what do I do with it?’”

Cotton said groups like Gay Fathers of Palm Springs provide a community where men can find answers to those questions.

“You quickly realize I can’t sit at home — the world’s not going to come knocking at my door,” said Cotton, a retired Air Force brigadier general who came out later in life and lost many friendships in the process. “Whatever you do, whoever you are, you have to go out and interact with the world, meet other people, and share stories. It provides validation that, ‘Oh, I’m not so strange, different, or unique. I’m just me, and there are others who have some version of me in them, too.’”

While the group is primarily intended for gay and bisexual men who were previously married to women or had children through past relationships, GFPS also welcomes a growing number of gay fathers who became parents through adoption, surrogacy, and other paths.

One of those members is Brian Saber, who adopted his son from Vietnam as a single father at age 38. When his son was nine months old, Saber joined PlanetOut, one of the early gay dating websites, with the profile headline “New Dad on the Market.” There, he met a man named Brad.

The two eventually became a family, and Brad later adopted their son. Although they separated after six years, they have continued to co-parent and share custody throughout their son’s life.

Saber said one of the main reasons he joined the group was simply to have friends who understood the realities of parenting.

In Maplewood, New Jersey, where he raised his son, Saber became close with two straight couples who had also adopted children — one from Vietnam and the other from China. They became his chosen family, along with a number of other families in the area.

Palm Springs, however, presented a different challenge. While, as he jokes, “you can’t cough without meeting another gay man,” it can be harder to find gay men who are also parents.

“I started joking because on the dating apps, so many guys would post pictures at Machu Picchu, all these travel pictures,” Saber said. “I used to say my Machu Picchu needed braces, my Machu Picchu went to college, or my Jaguar needed therapy over three years.”

He explained that he doesn’t view those choices as sacrifices, but appreciates being around other parents who understand staying home from a trip in order to pay for things like braces or college tuition.

“So I really wanted to be around more of that understanding and appreciation, and that really drew me to it,” Saber said.

Figucia said that is one thing he wishes more people understood about these fathers: their selflessness.

Speaking about the group and the timing of the article, Saber said:

“I think acknowledging all of us is important because all of us, as gay men, have an unusual story and have made that extra special effort to be parents and be who we are. Given where the world is right now, people need to understand that a lot better.”

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